I’m miserable right now.

I hate to put it so bluntly but I am. It has nothing to do with my personal life. I’ll leave it at that due to what else is obviously causing the issues. I’m not writing this so I can bitch. I’m looking of some kind of release.

I realized this morning that something still holds true that I first learned in high school: I want to rap more when something’s wrong. The Mind’s Mixtape volume 4 and Soon You’ll Understand were born while I was plodding through my last year and a half working at The Shoe Dept. I finished up the principle writing of the projects in my downtime at my current job my first couple of months here.

I was just thinking the other day how I didn’t have the urge to write any rhymes or songs or even perform. And I love performing. And this morning, there I was rapping during the short trip from my car to the door of my job. I said a long time ago that music is my therapy; this writing is going to have to do for now.

This makes me wonder if I don’t make music when I’m in a happy space. It’s not something I strive to do but considering SYU came out in 2014 and I truly haven’t written a bar since, maybe I can only create when I’m not doing so hot. That’s a bit sad.

I’m not depressed. Even with how rough 2015 ended for me, things are good. Aaliyah is getting bigger and smarter by the day. Angel still wants to put up with me. My relationship with my family is as good as it’s been in years. Angel and I are trying to purchase our first home. I’m podcasting regularly. I’m writing semi-consistently. I have a plethora of friends who I can see and/or talk to at any time. I’m making time to watch the shows I’m into again. So this isn’t the same old seasonal depression thing I fall into every now and again.

This morning I woke up and the plan was for me to get ready and leave the house so I could record Hyphen Nation Episode #7 today. But as I helped Angel and Aaliyah get out of the house and started going through my morning routine, I decided I wouldn’t be recording today. Not that I didn’t have anything ready, not because I was too tired or didn’t want to do it. I decided I was going to take my time and enjoy my morning before I had to clock in. Sitting in my car for 35 to 50 minutes recording Hyphen Nation would’ve prevented that.

I got some coffee, some sushi for lunch, and breakfast from McDonald’s. I got to work and I sat in the break room and ate breakfast and caught up on some things I hadn’t read yet on my Google News+ app (which is fantastic by the way. I downloaded it so that I could get my feed from The Old Reader through it and I haven’t used The Old Reader’s actual site in months). Then I clocked in and started my work day.

For a while now, I’ve had this obsession with only posting content Monday through Friday, mostly from advice I’ve taken from other blogs and sites. I was trying to get Victory Jumpoff Radio Show #18 ready last night and I realized I couldn’t do it. I tried to get it done before I left this morning to do Hyphen Nation and I realized I couldn’t get it done then either.

The reason I didn’t push to get either podcast done this morning was because I have the luxury of being able to do these things on my own time. I recently told E that if he starts to feel overwhelmed doing any of his various projects, that he needs to just stop and take some time for himself. I took my own advice this morning and it felt really good.

Victory Jumpoff Radio Show #18 will be out this evening. I’ll record Hyphen Nation the next free morning I have.

Back to the Monday-Friday content, Thomas and I managed to push out 4 Talking Out The Dead columns in time for The Walking Dead’s Season 6 midseason premiere. It’s currently my turn to finish my second part so I can send it back to him to finish. I stressed myself out on top of everything else yesterday and part of this morning trying to figure out how to get my half done and possibly out by today. Why? “Because you can’t post on the weekends, no one will see it.”

I have to say this is untrue. While you probably should turn off the electronics on the weekend and enjoy life, there’s a ton of people who do not and are on the internet all weekend. Plus, I’ve been using Buffer, so worst case scenario; I push the content again after the weekend.

I’m trying to fit inside a box. I don’t have or need a box. If people want the content I provide, they’ll find it. It doesn’t matter when I give it to them. So it’s totally okay that Talking Out The Dead might not be ready until tomorrow or Sunday. It’s totally fine that I’m waiting to record Hyphen Nation until next week and putting out VJR a day late. You know why? Because this is my content and I make the rules. Not to go too Kanye all at once, but hopefully you understand what I mean by that.

My sushi was delicious. I watched an episode of Wiz Khalifa’s DayToday (even though I tend not to like his newer music, his personality is magnetic as ever) on my lunch. I just soaked up my 45 minutes and got back to it when it was time.

So currently, I’m not miserable. I can already tell I won’t be going home stressed out this evening. I listened to my body and took the time I had available for myself. That may not win me any awards or recognition but at least I’m smart enough to know when to relax.

I’m 33 and have a pretty good life. There’s no reason I should be miserable. So thank you for reading my stream of consciousness ranting. It’s not the same as writing a rhyme or a song but it’s the next best thing.

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