I went live on my Twitch channel for the first time in months for a live episode of Hyphen Nation. The episode itself was released last Sunday but you can check out the replay right now (and follow me if you’re into that).

I also figured out how to vertical stream to my Facebook page so I’m going to be doing that periodically as well.

I know this sounds crazy. I don’t remember having my first wing until 2001. I went to Ruby Tuesday’s in Winchester, Virginia with my dad. I don’t remember where we stopped before but I had Amazing Spider-Man #30 (so sometime in April) in my grasp when we went in.

I didn’t know what I wanted to eat so dad suggested buffalo wings to me. Now, I have a very adventurous palate, so I’ll try anything. Normally, when we would go out to eat, I’d have a steak sometimes, maybe a burger or sandwich. But never buffalo wings.

We ordered and I cracked open my comic.¹

A short time later, I had a plate of maybe 6 or so wings in front of me with blue cheese and celery. Ruby Tuesday’s isn’t known for wings now and it wasn’t then, so these came off the appetizer menu.

If I could shake the cook’s hand right now, I would. These were hot, the perfect amount of flavorful sauce (it was my first experience with buffalo sauce too), and crispy (a key cog in how I like my wings that I didn’t realize until E always ordered his extra crispy). And the blue cheese was the perfect dipping sauce. I was floored. I was emotional.

I was hooked.

When I moved to Morgantown in 2003, I discovered Buffalo Wild Wings. My naïve mind couldn’t comprehend a restaurant solely based on chicken wings. I soon became a connoisseur of an 18 piece with medium sauce, celery, and blue cheese.

Tuesdays were .35 wing night, so on flush weeks, Angel and I were joined by friends so I could attempt to take down as many as I could in a sitting (boneless for her). We would play the Buzztime trivia with some other competitors while we waited on our order or in between bites. I always kept one finger clean so I could answer my questions.

I turned 21 the following year and I was allowed to consume in public. To this day, there’s nothing that goes better with wings than beer. I’ve tried everything else and they don’t compare. I used to drink Bud Light but switched over to Blue Moon the first time someone dropped an orange slice in one.

Wing Do Not #1: Don’t give me a plate of wings and then expect me to sit down and watch a gory movie/show. I had made some Tyson’s wings when I was roommates with Steve and then sat down to rewatch Freddy v. Jason. The tearing of chicken and skin while there’s people having the same thing done to them is too much. No thank you.

For many years after this, wings could do no wrong. I had low standards. I’d eat wings anywhere and swear they were delicious every time. Again, naïve.

In the summer of 2007, I moved to an area of Morgantown called South Park. I was still making an attempt at school and working at the college radio station, U92. I ventured downtown one Monday night and read a sign outside of The Sports Page for .25 cent wings. These were the cheapest I had partaken of yet and these wings blew BW3s away.

Every time I had a little money on a Monday, you could find me in the Sports Page, eating wings, drinking beer, and watching Monday Night Raw since the crowd was sparse.

I was actually watching Raw at the Page the night Vince returned from the dead to announce what happened to a certain double murderer who died by suicide. I watched a tribute show in his name. The real truth came out on Tuesday.

Wing Do Not #2: Ask me to make wings. I made multiple attempts during lockdown and they never came out right. Air fryer, oven, grill, etc. I can’t get them right. It doesn’t mean I plan to quit but have you seen the price of chicken lately? Let me make the sauces.

You know who makes the best wings? My friend E. What he can do with a deep fryer and a little time is incredible. He almost has his air fryer wings perfected and I can’t wait to have those at some point.

My go-to on the down low though was when Martin’s Bar-b-que Joint was still in town. I could go on my 45 minute lunch, order 18 smoked wings with the dry rub, have them within 10 minutes, go back to work to eat, and still have time left over to wash my hands after I finished them off. The dry rub was excellent, the wings crispy, and the chicken was falling off the bone.

I really miss those wings.

Other wings I have to mention:

• Kegler’s and their Gold sauce. And I rarely have wings from Kegler’s that miss, by the way.
• Bucket sauce. Oh my goodness it’s so good. I think I last had it when JW Thirsty’s was a thing.
• Mario’s Fishbowl and their cowboy ranch. I normally opt for the hot garlic, extra crispy, extra saucy. I know they got them right if the box is soaked through with sauce when I get them home. My current favorite.
• Corona wings from Sabraton Station. The only bone-in wings Angel will eat.
• Fat Angelo’s has a surprisingly good hot garlic as well.
• Mountain Mama’s. Oh, I didn’t forget. Their wings are breaded so I don’t go too often depending on how low carb is going but another place that knows how to make wings. And get the fried green tomatoes too.

Wing Do Not #3: Hooters. If you really think the wings are good at Hooters, you might just like boobs. It’s okay. I like boobs too but they’re not distracting me enough to be happy with some mid product. I’ve been twice, both times on the boardwalk of Ocean City. They’re wings are okay. Sauce is good though. So get something else and a side of their sauce. But Hooters doesn’t have good wings. Just good distractions.

I didn’t even know drums versus flats was a real thing until a few years ago. I was just so happy to have wings, I didn’t care what shape they were in.

But I did prefer drums.

As my standards for what I’m looking for in a wing got higher, so did my need for sauce. I love a good dry rub. But when I get sauce, I want to taste the sauce. Don’t cook it in the sauce. Cook the wing first, then toss it in the sauce. I want my fingers to be a mess; eating wings is not easy and clean.

I then started realizing there was only so much room on a drum for sauce. But a flat could become the perfect scoop for all the sauce you need in a bite.

I’m not ordering strictly flats because it’s extra and if they forget I’ll be annoyed. But I usually eat my drums first now so I can savor the flats.

I want to send a shout to KFC wings which just came back to the menu. I haven’t had them since their return but their wings with the secret recipe and either honey BBQ or hot in my early 20s didn’t miss.²

But if you want to have delicious wings without having to order a ton of them that will be crispy and perfect every time? Chinese chicken wings. I’ve never had a bad one. Their whole but they’re so good. And mumbo sauce. Or sweet and sour sauce. But for real, eat them with mumbo sauce if you’re one of the lucky ones.

I ate BW3s wings the other day because the homie DJ Hollywood posts wings damn near every day and I broke down and got some after work. I didn’t go to my preferred location and I rarely take out from there, so I was disappointed.

I didn’t love the last batch of wings I had in person during football season though. Which leaves me with one conclusion:

Buffalo Wild Wings makes better smash burgers than wings now. I didn’t think this day would come.

You should try their burgers though.

Item! This week’s Rasslecast featured the talent @HiiGabii! Make sure you check out her wrestling work on TikTok.

Item! The episode of Hyphen Nation I mentioned at the start has been out since Sunday.

Item! Dope! returned with three new videos this week! Here’s the one I did for Window Shopper.

On my 40th birthday, my dad drove up from Capon Bridge for my surprise party. Seeing him strutting in the door of Starport really made my day. 

At some point, he made mention of an old friend from high school and what she had said about me the last time he saw her.

“Your son was the whitest black boy I had ever met!”

I laughed and so did he. It was funny. It’s still funny. 

But then it kind of bothered me so I thought about writing about it. Then, I remembered I have a whole episode of Hyphen Nation about this very subject.

I was so proud of this episode that it made me think I had nothing left to say on my podcast, so I spent the next episode ending the podcast before I took it all back in an added-on clip. 

Anyway…

---

In March of 2020, during my first week at home, I logged into my website. 

Only to discover I had been hacked. 

Spammers love to hack into unprotected WordPress code and ruin your site. And all of my posts and pages had malicious code everywhere. 

It was an uncertain time. Kobe died and then the entire world shut down. Angel and I had been in Pittsburgh in February. Angel and Aaliyah had been in New York City a weekend or so before. And now, we were all home together. And my website was screwed up. 

So I didn’t take the time to successfully clean my site. Instead, I logged into GoDaddy and wiped out the WordPress files from the file manager. Everything was backed up, so it was fine. 

Everything was not fine.

The original incarnation of It’s Not Gonna Write Itself was made up of 9 pieces:

• Introduction – a reintroduction to me writing regularly for the first time since my first newsletter, I Once Scored 100 Points with Penny Hardaway, which I stopped in 2017.
• Mariano – I wrote about the retirement of Mariano Rivera. I don’t know why considering I’ve been a Red Sox fan for much of my adult life. 
• Championship Basketball League – I created a basketball game in junior high. It was a mess. But it was also glorious.
• The Long Way Down – I posted the first chapter of my unfinished book, The Long Way Down. 
• Shoe Check – I posted what I had so far of a screenplay I started based on my old job. 
• In The Cut – This one was about how my lunch time spot at the mall got invaded by a mall employee. 
• An Old Favorite Returns – I resurrected my old WWE column, Promos By Hyphen, to talk about the build between Becky Lynch, Charlotte Flair, and Ronda Rousey heading into WrestleMania 35. 
• RE: Is Writing Fun – a response to a blog Marcus wrote on his site. This is the only one I still have. 
• It’s Always Been You – I think this one was about video games. 

I had no backups of any of these other than the response to Marcus. Now, if I’m anything, I’m definitely a digital hoarder. I have backups of almost every website I created going back to 2004. I may have even backed up my site in 2018.

But not in 2019. The site, while frustrating to wipe clean and rebuild, was the easy part. Not owning that writing drives me up a wall.Two of the posts were me being lazy and reposting other writing. But I really liked a few of them.

I spent months trying to find the full columns. Nothing in my inbox. Nothing on Google Docs. Nothing in my work inbox. No word docs. No dice on my external hard drive. I scoured the Wayback Machine for weeks as I rebuilt the site, thinking that somehow, my writing could be found. All I found was broken links and shattered dreams. And yes, I’m being dramatic but I wanted my writing back. 

So since then, I’ve debated what to do. I could attempt to rewrite them all (aside from Mariano and An Old Favorite Returns). But I feel I’m a better writer now and that any rewrites wouldn’t have the same charisma of their originals, so I’ve never tried.

So what is the point?

The point is, those lost writings helped me come back from a period where I wasn’t writing and I needed an outlet to get back to it. Just like I used TikTok to get my confidence back for rapping, INGWI has done the same for writing. Since relaunching officially in January 2022, I’ve written about several different things and I’ve loved them all. I even had the guts to do a new adventure of my Deadpool/Jessica Jones audio drama on Hyphen Nation. That wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for this newsletter.

But now, for your entertainment, I present a reenactment of each of those pieces in two sentences each:

• Introduction: I used to write this other newsletter but this is my new one. Writing is hard but I’m going to stick with it this time.
• Mariano: Mariano Rivera was unstoppable. I’m glad he’s retiring.
• Championship Basketball League: I made this basketball game where I would set a timer for 12 minutes and then describe the action back and forth to myself until I played all 4 quarters. I kept stats and played the entire season and playoffs until a champion was crowned.
• In The Cut: I used to hang out in a stairwell at the mall on lunch and watch YouTube. One day, a mall employee started coming out semi-frequently at the same time and talked to me while getting high on his lunch.
• An Old Favorite Returns: Ronda should be the heel and I’m really excited for this triple threat match. I sure hope Becky is healthy because she has been milking this injury angle and I want to see her looking strong going into WrestleMania.
• It’s Always Been You: I would throw tantrums when I had to leave a house with a video game console as a child, so my parents weren’t trying to get me my own system. I am a Mario Kart Wii and Mario Party 8 Gawd.

That’s really the gist of them. Oh, I forgot:

• Shoe Check hasn’t had one word touched since I started it in this very basement in late 2016. I think there’s still something there, so hopefully, I’ll come back to it soon.
• The beginning of The Long Way Down needs to be rewritten. I realized recently that I don’t want my two protagonists to be cops, which is how they’re introduced in the entire first chapter. So I’ll be changing them to private investigators. The first chapter with the scene of the crime can still be used but minus Abigail and Gwen.

And for our finale: I present the current ideas I want to write, in one sentence each.

• INGWI: I have ideas, no matter how ridiculous they may be.
• Fake Interview Book: I want to make a book of long interviews done with fictional people in a fictional universe. Almost if a writer decided to publish all his interviews over the years (I posted the first attempt to start this last year).
• The Transcriptionist: I don’t know why she’s a transcriptionist but she is a badass.
• A Man Named Bob: His name is Bob and he’s one of the best agents in the world.

It’s been cathartic to revisit these lost writings for the 1 year (technically 2 with a 2 year break) anniversary of It’s Not Gonna Write Itself. Now, I can at least say they exist again in some fashion. And if I really wanted to write about the Championship Basketball League again, I could do it. 

I mean, you totally want to hear about how my 4 team league expanded to 12 in 3 seasons led by stars such as Kelen Conley and Matthew Spencer?

I know, me too!

Happy anniversary INGWI. 

Item! The aforementioned Alias Investigations audio drama continued on Hyphen Nation 206.

Item! Noveliss and Handsome Bane unleashed their Jake The Snake Invitational on the world in the latest episode of the Rasslecast Power Hour.

Item! The full video for Hyphen Nation 204 arrived this week as well.

I bought a watch recently.

It was with the Amazon gift card Janice gave me for Christmas. As I was searching for a way to start this, I realized it was the first watch I’ve had since the one you gave me. I don’t know how I did it but somehow both the hands broke off the face, so I just tossed it. I thought I still had my red face watch that I had for years but Angel said she thought I tossed it too.

I like it a lot. The screen glows orange. I think you’d like it as well.

I made it to 40. I don’t feel it but that’s how old I am according to my birth certificate. Dad came up to Morgantown for my surprise party so that was really cool. I ruined my surprise party because I saw a text about cupcakes not expecting there to be a surprise party to go with them. The party was still amazing though.

Matt came in from New Zealand a short time before my birthday and I got to see him in person three days in a row. It took him moving 18 hours away to bring us closer but it worked. His kids are getting so big too.

We’re on the way to Aaliyah’s gymnastics meet in Columbus now. This will be her first meet she’s competing all 4 events as a Level 4 so she’s super excited. She’s very talented but I worry I passed my performance anxiety onto her. I could play pickup basketball all day but the moment I played a real game, my mind went to mush. I think she’s too smart and too strong for that though.

I helped two ladies at work that I swear could have been you and grandma. Now that I think about it, grandma’s been gone 25 years soon. You always told me that time would start flying and I wouldn’t be able to keep up. Just another time you’ve been right.

In about two months, it’ll be my 20th anniversary with Angel and our 10 year wedding anniversary. I hope you can see what an amazing person she is and how much she’s helped me grow into some semblance of a man. I feel bad I didn’t try to force you to change your opinion on her because you really would’ve loved her. It would’ve given all of us more time together. And you could have met Aaliyah. You would’ve adored her. I know you do now, I just mean in person.

It’s funny because I told Matt a little bit about when you first got back from one of your hypnotherapy conferences and we were sitting on the back porch with just a light on and the light kept flickering and how you told me that was from you because of all the light and energy work you had spent the conference doing. I know I’m not trained other than what I picked up from you but I definitely have some of those talents. I wanted to tell my friend Mike that his dad was standing beside me at his wedding when he and his wife Emily were having their first dance but I didn’t. How do you explain that? I told Angel and she believed me but I felt like it might have been a little too much for him. I’m also scared to really tap into that side of things as well. I know it exists and I believe it exists but I’m an empath already. I’m afraid I might end up with a bad spirit or something. But I digress.

Sorry, I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about that stuff.

Chad seems like he’s over the moon with his kids. He seems like a good dad. Probably because he wants to be better than his dad.

Denise seems to be doing well every time I see her. I know you spend a lot of time with her anyway but I really hope she and Margaret are finding some peace after what happened a few years ago. Judy still looks like you and I want to cry every time I see her, which is usually at Apple Blossom. I haven’t seen anyone else since the funeral. I’m sure you know about what Freddy’s going through and you’re spending a lot of time with him too. No rest for the dead either I would assume.

And yes, I miss her and I still love her and I’ve forgiven her. But I can’t let her negativity into my life. I won’t do it. You know how she is. I love her to death but you know how she is mom.

Can you explain to me why your closet is the only place I still feel you in the house? I haven’t really felt you other than a time or two since about 2017 if I recall but that closet still has a ton of you in there. It’s so weird. I know you loved your clothes but you can’t take them with you no matter how much you’re there.

Dad seems okay. I know some days are tougher than others and he never lets me in when things are rough. I’m pretty sure you and him never wanted to bother me with the bad things. She would tell me how she would always see y’all at your worst and then y’all would perk up when I came home. I’m convinced you two discussed that at some point. I’m proud of him for quitting smoking. I’m wondering out loud if he needs another dog before Jackson goes. I know what he would say no but another bichon wouldn’t hurt would it? I can get one at a shelter, right?

I made sausage gravy for the first time on my own. The first attempt was too salty but I nailed the second one. My sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving weren’t as good as the year before but they weren’t bad. Not yours but not bad. I really miss your macaroni salad. I’ve looked at some but I know it won’t hit the way it needs too. I also want to make goulash again before winter is over. Thanks for the pandemic, I’ve gotten kind of nice at cooking. There’s some misses but I usually make some good stuff. That’s thanks to you.

Angel was watching The Color Purple a few months ago and I saw Shug sing “MIss Celie’s Blues” to Celie for the first time since I saw it with you as a kid. For such a serious film, I have no idea why I thought the way she said “Sister” struck me as funny then but you would laugh so hard whenever I started singing that part. And that reminded me of the time we played the home version of Jeopardy and the final Jeopardy question was about a Chinese or Japanese leader. Not having any clue, I went with the most Asian name I knew at the time: Chun-Li. You laughed for a long time over that one too.

I almost forgot, we all dressed as different Garth Brooks album covers for Halloween at work. We didn’t win the costume contest (I never win) but we had decorated the lobby with photos of Garth and the 4 of us all chose different Garths to be. It was a genius idea but most people thought we were cowboys. Once we said we were all Garth Brooks, most everyone was impressed. It’s uncanny how much of those first few albums of his I still know word for word and note for note.

I did okay on your birthday. There’s been years when it’s hard but this one was fine. Maybe because I knew I wanted to write this letter to you. November is always weird. Mother’s Day is always difficult. It’s always the times when it sneaks up on me when it’s the worst. I just try to acknowledge why I feel the way I do, maybe cry, and try to keep it moving. To be honest, I’m never too far from tears when it comes to you.

I was naive. I assumed you’d be here forever. Then I lost you and Barbara a month apart. I’ve tried to forgive myself for not making more time before but it never really goes away. I could have never left your side and it would still hurt to know I can’t pick up the phone and hear you say, “Hi baby.”

Despite it all, I’m still just a boy who misses his mom. I just hope to remember the times we shared, the things you taught me, and try to keep in mind that you’re always with me. You’ve only come to me in my dreams a few times but I don’t see a lot of actual people I know when I dream anyway.

I think I’m going to try to start a garden this spring too. We’ll see how much of that knowledge actually stuck soon.I could go on but I feel like this is the right place to end. Happy birthday mom. I know you never wanted to make a big deal about it but it was one of my favorite days of the year, especially since it was so close to mine.I’m going to go ahead and say it was one of my favorite days this year because I had the idea to write this to you.

I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.

Happy 2023! I hope this edition of It’s Not Gonna Write Itself finds you well. I’m currently gearing up to get back to all the Hyphen Universe things: Hyphen Nation, Rasslecast Power Hour, YouTube, etc.

But I’m also realizing that it’s okay to tell myself no. I wanted to record Hyphen Nation tonight but instead, I relaxed, ate, and then made Angel dinner. I thought about recording an hour or so ago but then decided I would wait for the 22nd to release the next episode instead of the 17th. The world didn’t end. And plus, I got inspired to write the piece you’re about to read.

I hope you’re making new rules for yourself that’s better for your mental health as well.

As we proceed….

Since I was born in 1983, here is a list of every starting Los Angeles/Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders quarterback:

• Jim Plunkett
• Marc Wilson
• Rusty Hilger
• Vince Evans
• Jay Schroeder
• Todd Marinovich
• Jeff Hostetler
• Billy Joe Holbert
• Donald Hollas
• Wade Wilson
• Rich Gannon
• Rick Mirer
• Marques Tuiasosopo
• Kerry Collins
• Andrew Walter
• Aaron Brooks
• Josh McCown
• Daunte Culpepper
• JaMarcus Russell
• Bruce Gradkowski
• Charlie Frye
• Jason Campbell
• Terrelle Pryor
• Matt McGloin
• Matt Flynn
• EJ Manuel
• Jarrett Stidham

And for the past nine seasons until Week 16, Derek Dallas Carr. Only Wilson, Schroeder, Hostetler, and Gannon had at least four consecutive seasons as the Raiders starter before Derek.

I won’t be writing about his stats. I’ll be writing about how I feel now that Derek posted his official goodbye to the Raiders Nation today on Instagram.³

I knew absolutely nothing of Derek Carr when the Raiders drafted him. I was pretty tapped into the pulse of college football and the NFL then and all I knew was that he was David Carr’s brother. And after watching his struggles in Houston, I pretty much assumed the Raiders would continue to lose.

So when he was named QB1 before the start of the 2014 season, I was surprised. The Raiders had just traded for Matt Schaub, who was only two years removed from taking the Texans to the playoffs. Why in the hell would they start the rookie quarterback when most franchises draft a QB with the intention of bringing them on slowly as they adjust to playing in the NFL?

I waited 11 weeks for an answer. The Raiders lost their first 10 games. But they weren’t bad losses other than getting steamrolled by the high power Broncos, but they were still losses. But something felt different. We were losing but I routinely saw the offense looking to Derek to lead them, this rookie who had been thrown to the wolves. And I didn’t think a winless season would happen even though it looked inevitable.

A November Monday night win over the hated Chiefs proved me right. The Raiders had their first win and the Derek Carr era had officially begun.

Not to mention that it halted a 16 game losing streak going back to the previous season.

Not to be that guy, but for the first in forever (since Gannon), I didn’t have to worry about the QB. I hoped JaMarcus would’ve been the answer. I thought getting Palmer out of Cincinnati would turn around our fortunes. I thought Oakland was the perfect place for Matt Flynn to blossom after Russell Wilson took a starting spot in Seattle that was earmarked for him (a $26 million dollar earmark).

But it was this 23 year old from Bakersfield, California that brought balance to the position.

7 wins in 2015.

An MVP-caliber 2016 season that was tragically cut short by injury in Week 16 as the Raiders went 12-4, the best mark since 1990 (and the most wins the franchise has had in 16 game seasons). We lost in the first round but the sky was the limit.

The 2016 magic wasn’t recaptured the next season but I thought it was just Derek adapting to life after the injury.

The Raiders brought back Gruden.

2018, 2019, 2020 had no playoff appearances.

At least they still had QB1.

Gruden was fired in 2021, the team got hot, and Derek played in his first playoff game.

Unfortunately, the Bengals were hotter.

And this season, despite early struggles, the team was riding a winning streak and in the hunt to return to the playoffs.

But the theme of the season was blown leads as losses to the Rams and Steelers were blamed on Derek’s inability to lead the Raiders back every time the defense failed as almost no accountability was put on first year coach Josh McDaniels.

Then the benching happened.

Okay, I apologize if you knew all of this before we got to this point but you have to know how we got here.

Nine years as the starting quarterback in one place in the NFL looks great on any resume. Two playoff appearances with no wins doesn’t. Few teams are able to keep the same coaching personnel the entire time they have the same quarterback. So while Derek did have several different coaches and coordinators, there’s only so long before the blame falls on your starting quarterback.

Very few teams have had to deal with the distractions of an Antonio Brown or Jon Gruden. Or things like losing Kahlil Mack, Amari Cooper, and Michael Crabtree. But even with all of that, the Raiders had to hold Derek accountable at some point. He couldn’t be QB1 forever as much as I would’ve liked for him to spend his entire career with the team.

I’m sure several Detroit fans felt the same way about Matt Stafford.

Three Pro Bowl appearances but the league never considered Derek elite. Hell, neither did I. But he had shown me many times that he could lead this team and he was more than able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. That was enough for me! Never heard anything bad about the guy. He just went home to his family and loved being a Raider, distractions be damned.

But that’s not good enough to keep you QB1 your entire career, especially not in Las Vegas. You know, Commitment to Excellence, Just Win Baby? Not here. And probably not anywhere else. Another team maybe wouldn’t have been as patient. So I understand.

I thought he deserved to finish out the season but it’s impossible to trade a quarterback if he’s hurt. Derek pardoned himself from the team for the final weeks as they almost beat San Francisco and got mocked in their loss to Kansas City.

And this week, instead of Mark Davis hiring a new coach (I have zero faith in McDaniels guys, I hope he proves me wrong), we get the official goodbye from my favorite QB1. I guess Gannon would be next with soft spots for Hostetler and Jason Campbell (the Raiders were 8-2 the year he broke his collarbone).

So here’s to you Derek Carr. I wish you all the best. I hope it’s not with Denver, the Chargers, or the Chiefs by some twist of cruel fate. I hope you do win a Super Bowl. I hope it’s not against Las Vegas. And I look forward to seeing you return to the team after your career, where you will hopefully get the rightful praise you deserve from a grateful Raiders Nation.

And who knows? You’ll be 34 this year with only one major injury so far. Maybe you’ll be gone for a few years and a new regime will bring you back to mentor the new young QB. Maybe that QB will be forced out of action and your number will be called. Maybe the Raiders ride the hot hand and you go from being a backup finishing your career where you started to answering questions at media day about Las Vegas’ crazy path back to the Super Bowl.

And maybe you could still bring the Lombardi trophy back to the silver and black before you hang up your cleats.

That would be very cool.

Item! Handsome Bane and Noveliss teamed up to drop the first Rasslecast episode of the year.

Item! I’m trying to be consistent with using my Letterboxd account this year as well.

A few years ago, my first newsletter attempt was called I Once Scored 100 Points With Penny Hardaway (Penny Newsletter). And yes, I did score 100 points with Penny on NBA Action Starring David Robinson for my Game Gear.

After about 7 newsletters, I started an 8th and never finished. I turned my full attention towards my podcast Hyphen Nation and my podcast collective Hyphen Podcast Group.

In 2019, I started a column on my website called It’s Not Gonna Write Itself in an attempt to write more. By March of 2020, I realized my website was hacked and I had lost almost all of the 10 or so columns I had written. In late 2021, I started this Substack under the premise of writing at least 500 words about different subjects. Those previous columns can be found in this newsletter’s archives.

And what follows will now be the new blending of my previous Penny Newsletter and the 500 word minimum concept. Welcome to It’s Not Gonna Write Itself 3.0.

I was visiting my best friend Matt sometime in 2007? 2008? I know for sure that he and his future wife Lisa had an apartment that was right above what is now known as a Suncrest Towne Centre in Morgantown, West Virginia. Matt had invited me over for dinner and normally, these meetups would consist of us playing music, playing video games, and watching some TV or a movie.

He then turned on a show that he was obsessed with. He told me that he and Lisa had been watching it a ton and he wanted to show it to me. A few moments later, a pencil thin gentleman with dirty brunette hair, slightly graying, appeared on the screen. He was in some foreign country, on a boat, being taken around a village of houses that were built on the water. 

This is my introduction and No Reservations and even more importantly, Anthony Bourdain. 

I’d seen travel shows before and I found them to be… okay. And after one episode of No Reservations, my opinion was the same. But then we started the next episode and we may even have started a third before I called it a night and headed home. And it wasn’t necessarily the travel, or the food, or the people that appealed to me by the time I left.

It was that Bourdain guy. How could this travel show host be so charismatic, so larger than life that I couldn’t take my eyes off of him? Instead of immediately going to Google to find out what I could, I shrugged it off and watched No Reservations when I caught it or in subsequent visits with Matt.

In the last 10 years or so, I read Kitchen Confidential (borrowed from Matt). It almost goes without saying that I tore through those pages, enthralled by Tony’s (we’re close) tales of how he had his first oyster, went to CIA after getting laughed out of his previous summer kitchen, and how he was very much a functional drug addict for several years (and eventually married!). I had no clue what the fancy names he used for the behind the scenes stories of the kitchen were. I had never heard of Les Halles before and I still haven’t outside the pages of this book. But something happened as I finished the journey of the arrogant, skinny chef who blared the Sex Pistols every single day in his kitchen. 

I fell in love with him. 

This complete mess of a man (self admitted) had made himself into one of the most captivating celebrity figures I had ever known. Anthony Bourdain became someone I idolized not because of the fame, money, and travel to exotic locales. 

But because he seemed to have not wasted a second of his life. That idea alone is enviable. 

Now, I didn’t get the complete series of No Reservations, set my DVR to record Parts Unknown, or start reading his works of fiction. But I followed him on Twitter, smiling when I saw he had the same ideals as me, laughing at how quickly he’d tear down an account with an egg for an avatar, and admire just how fricking cool he looked all the dang time in his photos.

And the man ate noodles with Obama! They had beers together in Vietnam!

That was in 2016. I think you know how the rest of Tony’s tale went. In June of 2018, he succumbed to the demons of depression and hung himself, alone, in his hotel room. He left behind his daughter. And he left everyone else with questions as to why. 

“Death doesn’t discriminate

Between the sinners and the saints

It takes and it takes and it takes”

I struggle with my mental health every day. Every single day. Most of the time, those demons I mentioned before are minor inconveniences. And other days, weeks, months, it feels like there’s no looking past them. And I’m just little old me writing away in anonymity. I can’t imagine what it’s like to experience depression, anxiety, and fear as a globally known celebrity.

I haven’t watched the Road Runner documentary or read any of the books that’s come since Tony left us. I’ve chosen to honor his memory by rewatching old episodes of The Layover (if anyone wants to give me that complete series, I wouldn’t object), or scrolling through his Instagram from time to time, or more recently ,watching video clips from a fan account I started following on IG. I have a small idea of what he may have been feeling at the end; I’m not ready to go into the deep end with it. Tony was a friendly face and I’m still sad he’s gone.

Which brings us to why I started letting the words fly about my love of Anthony Bourdain: I reread Kitchen Confidential. I was on a long car ride a few weeks ago, and rather than investing in one of the three library books I keep borrowing digitally and then returning unfinished, I went back to an old favorite. 

This book still holds up brilliantly. Having Tony as a guide to take me through his entire life up until this book’s release is a joyous preview of what he would spend his later life doing: showing other people the world. Sure, we’ll never have to prepare a fork to finally get a handsy chef to understand no. Nor will we watch with our coworkers while another coworker is in the throes of passion with a just married bride. We won’t get calls in the middle of our shift demanding we “feed the bitch”. And we certainly won’t have to make that embarrassing phone call to apologize to a supplier for reaming them out the night before for failing to deliver tomatoes that actually weren’t in our restaurant because we ordered from somewhere else. 

But Tony handles it all with style and flair. Good and bad, he lays his life before us and the ride is good. This is the reason I reread the book in the first place. 

My search history has several entries now such as “Anthony Bourdain bigfoot”, “Anthony Bourdain Steven”, and “Anthony Bourdain Adam” as I tried to decipher the characters we meet inside and what became of them. Kitchen Confidential is very much Tony’s world and we’re not even a part of it. He just gives us enough of a peek and exudes so much charisma that you keep coming back, hoping to catch something new this time. And because Tony is as skilled as a writer as he is in the kitchen, you most certainly will. 

There are a few times in the book Tony is surprised that he’s still alive after all the life he had lived at that point. This wasn’t stated from a depression viewpoint; this was a statement of fact.  Hard drugs ruled his days for years, with many of his stories of different restaurants he worked in being dotted with references to how much heroin or cocaine he took during those time periods. By the time of Kitchen Confidential’s release, his vices were limited to alcohol and his beloved cigarettes. 

I wonder what 43 year old Tony would think to discover how his life ended in 2018. “Not the way I would’ve done it,” springs to mind, but that might be a little too on the nose. Would young Tony express surprise that he took his own life? Or would this be an expected outcome from someone who once said he had wanted to be a junkie since the age of 12?

Both of these questions need no answer. By rereading Kitchen Confidential, I got to be Tony’s captive audience again, a feeling of joy he’s provided to myself and others for a long time. It doesn’t make the fact that he’s gone any easier but it is comforting knowing that his legacy goes deeper than the shows, the books, the kitchens, and the drugs. 

Tony was an adventurer. And because he never wanted to travel alone, we ended up being the real winners. 

I miss you Mr. Bourdain.

Anthony Bourdain is in my state?! https://t.co/MfeBkjI4yj

— THIS ISN'T SING-ALONG WITH THE ROCK (@bhyphen) September 14, 2017

When I first read Decoded, I was beyond thrilled. One, Jay-Z had written a book. It wasn’t that long after The Black Book that was supposed to follow The Black Album was canceled but he still wrote a book. Two, we got the backstories of so many vital songs to his catalog. As much as Jay was known for his high production from 1996 to 2003, he tried to be as guarded as possible. Seeing him be vulnerable in the form of Decoded was a breath of fresh air. Third, Jay was explaining his bars in his own words before Genius was around. I think Genius wasn’t around yet. But that alone was an amazing thing to take in with every page.

Fast forward to today, five days after DJ Khaled’s God Did album went live along with Jay’s stellar 4 minute blackout on the title track. Khaled, Young Guru, and Lenny S started hyping the verse as of August 3rd, claiming it to be one of the best of Jay’s career and that Hov was the greatest rapper alive, with this verse being all the proof someone would need. On August 26, I dropped my daughter off at school, hopped back in the car, and pressed play.

Listen 1: Floored. The slick talk was back. This wasn’t billionaire Jay that shows up a few times a year. He was talking priors; he was talking dope. This wasn’t light talking Jay, this was all bass in his voice. The cockiness that he didn’t have to display was there. The personal references. The bible metaphors. The wordplay and the punchlines hit hard.

And then it continued on. This wasn’t just a verse, this was bars on bars. The energy was high and stayed high. Jay was on a mission. I don’t know what was on his mind when he stepped in that booth but I had teared up by the time his lyrical assault had ended.

Listen 2: Awe. This time I was listening closer. Trying to catch the entendres, the meanings that only people who had spent their entire lives pouring over his bars like me would know. Listening to the delivery and the cadences he was reciting with little to no effort. It made me want to listen to Jay spit the verse without the distraction of the instrumental and I’ve never had that thought before. I had tears in my eyes again as the verse came to a close. Tears of joy. To hear the person I’ve heralded as my favorite rapper spit at such a high, intense level in his 50s? It was something to behold.

Listen 3: Triumph. The tears swelled again. I started attempting to rap along but I’ve never been the quickest to pick up lyrics. The windows were down, it was Friday, I had this incredible Jay-Z verse. There was nothing wrong with the world at that moment. I decided I wanted to play the verse for Angel. I last played her Kendrick’s “Auntie Diaries” after how taken aback I was with the honesty and vulnerability he displayed in that song.

Listen 4: Nervousness. I’m only nervous when I play my music for someone. I’ve played music I liked for other people and if they didn’t like it, they didn’t like it. But something told me this might not go the way I hoped with Angel as impressed as I was. I turned the song on YouTube and had her start paying attention when Jay-Z’s verse started.

I enjoyed it but I wasn’t hearing it the same. The swagger that I loved before seemed arrogant. The drug talk seemed out of place? The references that I thought were so incredible now seemed to go over even my head. The bars about helping Meek almost seemed like he was holding it over his head that he aided him in regaining his freedom. It just felt different.

And Angel wasn’t impressed.

She’s never up for any kind of blasphemous talk so she wasn’t hearing any of the biblical punchlines (she’s never been a fan of the Hov nickname either). But even more importantly, she felt like all of his braggadocio was empty. That he was thanking his years dealing drugs for where he’s at now. The statute of limitations may have expired and sound fly to me but she didn’t hear anything inspiring. She didn’t see how it pushed the culture forward. She didn’t see how this would help black people escape the stereotypes of being drug dealers and criminals that they’re labeled as. She could tell I had been excited but she wasn’t sorry for telling me the truth about how the verse made her feel. To her, Hov did a lot of nothing.

A part of me wanted to tell her she was wrong. But there wasn’t any fighting her response. As amazing as Jay’s verse was, as much as I loved the train of thought bars that made it seem like he had spent hours crafting his lyrics, there wasn’t a lot to it at the end of the day.

Do not mistake me. Only Jay-Z could have produced this verse and it gets the acclaim and the recognition that it’s gotten. And Jay’s never pretended to be a conscious rapper. The knowledge you gain from his music is normally on a street level only. He might pop up with some real gems like he sprinkled throughout 4:44 but Jay is what he is. “The soul of a hustler, I really ran the street.”

He doesn’t have to reinvent the wheel with every verse. He doesn’t even have to rap. He doesn’t have to give us a diagram of how he went from the corner to the corner office. And with all the charity and philanthropy and good deeds that we know he’s used his money for, he doesn’t have to uplift his people when he decides to rap for 4 minutes.

But just as he has done his entire career, his work is subject to the court of popular opinion. It’s an incredible verse and its legend will only grow with each passing day. But it does contain a lot of negative connotations that we as black people are constantly struggling against in everyday life.

Shawn Carter has helped his people every time his fame grew, to a level where there are things that we’ll never know he did to help those less fortunate. But Jay-Z, to a casual listener, might sound full of himself. And that’s something he has to live with too.

My conversation with Angel weighed on my mind so much that it ended up in my latest verse:

Listen 5: Agreement. I played the verse again on my way to work Monday. It felt like when you blow a ton of money on sushi and you’re full but then you’re hungry again two hours later. Everything that moved me the first three listens was there but it wasn’t connecting. I was disenchanted. All I could think about was what Hov hadn’t done.

I even briefly convinced myself that Eminem’s verse from “Use This Gospel” was better than what Jay had done.

Listen 6: After I finished off Wiz’s last album Multiverse, I decided to look through God Did for something besides the title track. I played the intro thinking it was something with substance and immediately ended back up on “God Did”. And this time, I just found enjoyment.

Jay’s not going to win everyone over with every verse. He knows that. Part of the reason he’s been so successful is due his ability to not worry about what others think. He’s always done what works best for him. When he walked into the booth to lay this verse, he wasn’t trying to save the world or his people. He was just saying the words as they came. It just so happened that Guru and Lenny were in awe of something that they’ve heard him do a million times which started the hype train.

Would my opinion on the song have dipped without Angel’s feedback? Probably not. But without her point of view, I wouldn’t have let myself see the flaws that can be found.

I’m going to choose to overlook the issues when I listen to the song from now on. While on some levels that could be seen as ignorant, I’m always willing to discuss the good and the bad of his verse. But for me, it’s a pretty incredible Jay-Z verse that he turned in 4 months away from turning 53. Name a 53 year old rapper who could come close to this verse, flaws and all. And you need to provide proof. No hypotheticals.

I’ll wait.

I’ll never drop 80 bars that keeps everyone’s attention for 4 minutes, good or bad. I’ll never know everything that Hov was saying in this verse, negative or positive. I’ll never know if this song could influence someone down the wrong or right path.

I will remember this moment and the time that Jay-Z showed once again why he’s unequivocally my greatest rapper of all-time.

Never stop being you Hov. You don’t need me to say that though.