On my 40th birthday, my dad drove up from Capon Bridge for my surprise party. Seeing him strutting in the door of Starport really made my day. 

At some point, he made mention of an old friend from high school and what she had said about me the last time he saw her.

“Your son was the whitest black boy I had ever met!”

I laughed and so did he. It was funny. It’s still funny. 

But then it kind of bothered me so I thought about writing about it. Then, I remembered I have a whole episode of Hyphen Nation about this very subject.

I was so proud of this episode that it made me think I had nothing left to say on my podcast, so I spent the next episode ending the podcast before I took it all back in an added-on clip. 

Anyway…

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In March of 2020, during my first week at home, I logged into my website. 

Only to discover I had been hacked. 

Spammers love to hack into unprotected WordPress code and ruin your site. And all of my posts and pages had malicious code everywhere. 

It was an uncertain time. Kobe died and then the entire world shut down. Angel and I had been in Pittsburgh in February. Angel and Aaliyah had been in New York City a weekend or so before. And now, we were all home together. And my website was screwed up. 

So I didn’t take the time to successfully clean my site. Instead, I logged into GoDaddy and wiped out the WordPress files from the file manager. Everything was backed up, so it was fine. 

Everything was not fine.

The original incarnation of It’s Not Gonna Write Itself was made up of 9 pieces:

• Introduction – a reintroduction to me writing regularly for the first time since my first newsletter, I Once Scored 100 Points with Penny Hardaway, which I stopped in 2017.
• Mariano – I wrote about the retirement of Mariano Rivera. I don’t know why considering I’ve been a Red Sox fan for much of my adult life. 
• Championship Basketball League – I created a basketball game in junior high. It was a mess. But it was also glorious.
• The Long Way Down – I posted the first chapter of my unfinished book, The Long Way Down. 
• Shoe Check – I posted what I had so far of a screenplay I started based on my old job. 
• In The Cut – This one was about how my lunch time spot at the mall got invaded by a mall employee. 
• An Old Favorite Returns – I resurrected my old WWE column, Promos By Hyphen, to talk about the build between Becky Lynch, Charlotte Flair, and Ronda Rousey heading into WrestleMania 35. 
• RE: Is Writing Fun – a response to a blog Marcus wrote on his site. This is the only one I still have. 
• It’s Always Been You – I think this one was about video games. 

I had no backups of any of these other than the response to Marcus. Now, if I’m anything, I’m definitely a digital hoarder. I have backups of almost every website I created going back to 2004. I may have even backed up my site in 2018.

But not in 2019. The site, while frustrating to wipe clean and rebuild, was the easy part. Not owning that writing drives me up a wall.Two of the posts were me being lazy and reposting other writing. But I really liked a few of them.

I spent months trying to find the full columns. Nothing in my inbox. Nothing on Google Docs. Nothing in my work inbox. No word docs. No dice on my external hard drive. I scoured the Wayback Machine for weeks as I rebuilt the site, thinking that somehow, my writing could be found. All I found was broken links and shattered dreams. And yes, I’m being dramatic but I wanted my writing back. 

So since then, I’ve debated what to do. I could attempt to rewrite them all (aside from Mariano and An Old Favorite Returns). But I feel I’m a better writer now and that any rewrites wouldn’t have the same charisma of their originals, so I’ve never tried.

So what is the point?

The point is, those lost writings helped me come back from a period where I wasn’t writing and I needed an outlet to get back to it. Just like I used TikTok to get my confidence back for rapping, INGWI has done the same for writing. Since relaunching officially in January 2022, I’ve written about several different things and I’ve loved them all. I even had the guts to do a new adventure of my Deadpool/Jessica Jones audio drama on Hyphen Nation. That wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for this newsletter.

But now, for your entertainment, I present a reenactment of each of those pieces in two sentences each:

• Introduction: I used to write this other newsletter but this is my new one. Writing is hard but I’m going to stick with it this time.
• Mariano: Mariano Rivera was unstoppable. I’m glad he’s retiring.
• Championship Basketball League: I made this basketball game where I would set a timer for 12 minutes and then describe the action back and forth to myself until I played all 4 quarters. I kept stats and played the entire season and playoffs until a champion was crowned.
• In The Cut: I used to hang out in a stairwell at the mall on lunch and watch YouTube. One day, a mall employee started coming out semi-frequently at the same time and talked to me while getting high on his lunch.
• An Old Favorite Returns: Ronda should be the heel and I’m really excited for this triple threat match. I sure hope Becky is healthy because she has been milking this injury angle and I want to see her looking strong going into WrestleMania.
• It’s Always Been You: I would throw tantrums when I had to leave a house with a video game console as a child, so my parents weren’t trying to get me my own system. I am a Mario Kart Wii and Mario Party 8 Gawd.

That’s really the gist of them. Oh, I forgot:

• Shoe Check hasn’t had one word touched since I started it in this very basement in late 2016. I think there’s still something there, so hopefully, I’ll come back to it soon.
• The beginning of The Long Way Down needs to be rewritten. I realized recently that I don’t want my two protagonists to be cops, which is how they’re introduced in the entire first chapter. So I’ll be changing them to private investigators. The first chapter with the scene of the crime can still be used but minus Abigail and Gwen.

And for our finale: I present the current ideas I want to write, in one sentence each.

• INGWI: I have ideas, no matter how ridiculous they may be.
• Fake Interview Book: I want to make a book of long interviews done with fictional people in a fictional universe. Almost if a writer decided to publish all his interviews over the years (I posted the first attempt to start this last year).
• The Transcriptionist: I don’t know why she’s a transcriptionist but she is a badass.
• A Man Named Bob: His name is Bob and he’s one of the best agents in the world.

It’s been cathartic to revisit these lost writings for the 1 year (technically 2 with a 2 year break) anniversary of It’s Not Gonna Write Itself. Now, I can at least say they exist again in some fashion. And if I really wanted to write about the Championship Basketball League again, I could do it. 

I mean, you totally want to hear about how my 4 team league expanded to 12 in 3 seasons led by stars such as Kelen Conley and Matthew Spencer?

I know, me too!

Happy anniversary INGWI. 

Item! The aforementioned Alias Investigations audio drama continued on Hyphen Nation 206.

Item! Noveliss and Handsome Bane unleashed their Jake The Snake Invitational on the world in the latest episode of the Rasslecast Power Hour.

Item! The full video for Hyphen Nation 204 arrived this week as well.

I bought a watch recently.

It was with the Amazon gift card Janice gave me for Christmas. As I was searching for a way to start this, I realized it was the first watch I’ve had since the one you gave me. I don’t know how I did it but somehow both the hands broke off the face, so I just tossed it. I thought I still had my red face watch that I had for years but Angel said she thought I tossed it too.

I like it a lot. The screen glows orange. I think you’d like it as well.

I made it to 40. I don’t feel it but that’s how old I am according to my birth certificate. Dad came up to Morgantown for my surprise party so that was really cool. I ruined my surprise party because I saw a text about cupcakes not expecting there to be a surprise party to go with them. The party was still amazing though.

Matt came in from New Zealand a short time before my birthday and I got to see him in person three days in a row. It took him moving 18 hours away to bring us closer but it worked. His kids are getting so big too.

We’re on the way to Aaliyah’s gymnastics meet in Columbus now. This will be her first meet she’s competing all 4 events as a Level 4 so she’s super excited. She’s very talented but I worry I passed my performance anxiety onto her. I could play pickup basketball all day but the moment I played a real game, my mind went to mush. I think she’s too smart and too strong for that though.

I helped two ladies at work that I swear could have been you and grandma. Now that I think about it, grandma’s been gone 25 years soon. You always told me that time would start flying and I wouldn’t be able to keep up. Just another time you’ve been right.

In about two months, it’ll be my 20th anniversary with Angel and our 10 year wedding anniversary. I hope you can see what an amazing person she is and how much she’s helped me grow into some semblance of a man. I feel bad I didn’t try to force you to change your opinion on her because you really would’ve loved her. It would’ve given all of us more time together. And you could have met Aaliyah. You would’ve adored her. I know you do now, I just mean in person.

It’s funny because I told Matt a little bit about when you first got back from one of your hypnotherapy conferences and we were sitting on the back porch with just a light on and the light kept flickering and how you told me that was from you because of all the light and energy work you had spent the conference doing. I know I’m not trained other than what I picked up from you but I definitely have some of those talents. I wanted to tell my friend Mike that his dad was standing beside me at his wedding when he and his wife Emily were having their first dance but I didn’t. How do you explain that? I told Angel and she believed me but I felt like it might have been a little too much for him. I’m also scared to really tap into that side of things as well. I know it exists and I believe it exists but I’m an empath already. I’m afraid I might end up with a bad spirit or something. But I digress.

Sorry, I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about that stuff.

Chad seems like he’s over the moon with his kids. He seems like a good dad. Probably because he wants to be better than his dad.

Denise seems to be doing well every time I see her. I know you spend a lot of time with her anyway but I really hope she and Margaret are finding some peace after what happened a few years ago. Judy still looks like you and I want to cry every time I see her, which is usually at Apple Blossom. I haven’t seen anyone else since the funeral. I’m sure you know about what Freddy’s going through and you’re spending a lot of time with him too. No rest for the dead either I would assume.

And yes, I miss her and I still love her and I’ve forgiven her. But I can’t let her negativity into my life. I won’t do it. You know how she is. I love her to death but you know how she is mom.

Can you explain to me why your closet is the only place I still feel you in the house? I haven’t really felt you other than a time or two since about 2017 if I recall but that closet still has a ton of you in there. It’s so weird. I know you loved your clothes but you can’t take them with you no matter how much you’re there.

Dad seems okay. I know some days are tougher than others and he never lets me in when things are rough. I’m pretty sure you and him never wanted to bother me with the bad things. She would tell me how she would always see y’all at your worst and then y’all would perk up when I came home. I’m convinced you two discussed that at some point. I’m proud of him for quitting smoking. I’m wondering out loud if he needs another dog before Jackson goes. I know what he would say no but another bichon wouldn’t hurt would it? I can get one at a shelter, right?

I made sausage gravy for the first time on my own. The first attempt was too salty but I nailed the second one. My sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving weren’t as good as the year before but they weren’t bad. Not yours but not bad. I really miss your macaroni salad. I’ve looked at some but I know it won’t hit the way it needs too. I also want to make goulash again before winter is over. Thanks for the pandemic, I’ve gotten kind of nice at cooking. There’s some misses but I usually make some good stuff. That’s thanks to you.

Angel was watching The Color Purple a few months ago and I saw Shug sing “MIss Celie’s Blues” to Celie for the first time since I saw it with you as a kid. For such a serious film, I have no idea why I thought the way she said “Sister” struck me as funny then but you would laugh so hard whenever I started singing that part. And that reminded me of the time we played the home version of Jeopardy and the final Jeopardy question was about a Chinese or Japanese leader. Not having any clue, I went with the most Asian name I knew at the time: Chun-Li. You laughed for a long time over that one too.

I almost forgot, we all dressed as different Garth Brooks album covers for Halloween at work. We didn’t win the costume contest (I never win) but we had decorated the lobby with photos of Garth and the 4 of us all chose different Garths to be. It was a genius idea but most people thought we were cowboys. Once we said we were all Garth Brooks, most everyone was impressed. It’s uncanny how much of those first few albums of his I still know word for word and note for note.

I did okay on your birthday. There’s been years when it’s hard but this one was fine. Maybe because I knew I wanted to write this letter to you. November is always weird. Mother’s Day is always difficult. It’s always the times when it sneaks up on me when it’s the worst. I just try to acknowledge why I feel the way I do, maybe cry, and try to keep it moving. To be honest, I’m never too far from tears when it comes to you.

I was naive. I assumed you’d be here forever. Then I lost you and Barbara a month apart. I’ve tried to forgive myself for not making more time before but it never really goes away. I could have never left your side and it would still hurt to know I can’t pick up the phone and hear you say, “Hi baby.”

Despite it all, I’m still just a boy who misses his mom. I just hope to remember the times we shared, the things you taught me, and try to keep in mind that you’re always with me. You’ve only come to me in my dreams a few times but I don’t see a lot of actual people I know when I dream anyway.

I think I’m going to try to start a garden this spring too. We’ll see how much of that knowledge actually stuck soon.I could go on but I feel like this is the right place to end. Happy birthday mom. I know you never wanted to make a big deal about it but it was one of my favorite days of the year, especially since it was so close to mine.I’m going to go ahead and say it was one of my favorite days this year because I had the idea to write this to you.

I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.